If I could go back in time and tell myself at 6 years old?

I was only 6 years old. Laying in a couch in my mothers sisters house. My aunt and her husband lived there. 

It was dark, I felt my chest being caressed. I opened one eye. Frightened, I pretended to still be sleeping. It was him Armando. My aunts husband. He was kneeling and his hand was caressing my 6 year old chest. 

I didn’t understand at that time. I was only a child. 

My only memories that I would have for the rest of my life.

 Memories, are like pictures in my brain that I can go back and replay and have a satisfying smile of that memory. But not this memory. Not being molested by your aunts husband. 

This memory brings; fear, sadness, anger, confusion, betrayal. A memory I can never forget or block from my memories.

My mother worked the weekends in a backpack factory in Lincoln Heights. She has been mother and father to me. My father left when I was 3. She left me with my aunt on Saturdays while she worked.

I always hold a grudge against my father. for not being there for me during my childhood years. Maybe, this would not, had happened to me? What if, my dad was taking care of me instead? I spoke to my father of my molestation and forgave him for leaving me. It is no ones fault. 

My whole child hood was evolved around these people. The molestation continued. We took road trips, and I remember he was always starring at me. He always found away to get close to me. I never did or said anything to him. He creeped me out. He always called my house when my mother was not home. 

I remember when we would go to vegas I would stay in the hotel room with my little cousin at the time. My mom and aunt would be downstairs playing in the casino. Next thing you know he’s come back to the room. That one time, I ran out of there and told my mom, I was bored.

I don’t know why? I shut it down for so long. I never, ever told anyone. 

Every time I had to go with my mom I was scared. Being around this man was horrible. And not telling anyone was consuming for so long.

It was during my twenties when I was realizing that something was wrong. The one memory of me being molested by my aunts husband, being harassed my whole life. And me being silent about it was killing me. 

It’s not, until I had a conversation with a family members wife. We were at a party. She started to talk about how she was molested by a priest at her church.

I was in disbelief. Of how, I just had met her. and she opened up about such a personal tragic experience in her life. A memory.

Once, I lived with my husband I had absolutely no contact with my aunt or her husband. I was at peace. I was 25. My mother always visited her and communicated.

At 25 years old, I was already a mom of two. While in the car my mother asks me if we can go to my aunts house to pick up some bread? I remember clearly. I was driving to Target. And I said, “no.” ” I never want to go to my aunts house.” ” when I was little her husband harassed me through my childhood!” I cried so much!!

It took me, about 20 years to tell my mom. And I’m so happy I did. A huge weight I carried for so long, was finally being released. She cried, and she yelled at me asking me why? Why did I not tell her?

Till this day I don’t even know why, I never spoke up. He never threatened me. I was scared? I really don’t know. 

I hate this person with a passion. And I forgive but, I don’t forget. I asked god to please forgive me for the hate I have against this man. And I leave it all in his hands.

This is one of the many reasons I, believe also triggered my depression. I, kept it in for so long. that my mind was consumed. And now it needs time to heal, recover from all the damage my brain went through.

I encourage anyone, anybody to not ever remain silent. On any aspect of your life. 

If, I could go back to my 6 year old self, I would tell myself. 

This is not okay! Get up and start yelling. No, one is to touch you inappropriately. Call for help! You will be okay. You did the right thing. You’re just a child. A baby girl. I love you, Vicki.
Disclaimer: I am not a professional doctor or counselor. I am only speaking of personal experience. 

If you know someone or yourself is suffering abuse please don’t stay quite.

Living with Depression and Anxiety 

I woke up a Sunday morning, crying for no reason. I called my cousin to let her know what I was feeling. I could not stop the sobbing. She explained to me everything will be okay. But I did not feel okay.

Later, on I was heading to the grocery store. While driving, I felt a huge knot in my chest. I could not breathe right. It felt like I was choking or having a heart attack. I immediately headed to the hospital with my kids. they laid me down on a bed and did an ekg. A test that checks for problems with the electrical activity of your heart. 

I was okay, the nurse told me. I was not having a heart attack. Vitals were okay. The doctor diagnosed me with a back ache from lifting my kids. Or doing a sudden lift. 

They discharged me, and I went home. Relieved it wasn’t a major health issue.

Couple of weeks passed. Again I woke up crying. Feeling scared, alone a tremendous amount of sadness. I questioned myself WHY? I have a beautiful family. I have a supportive husband. I get to stay home and care for my children. My husband provides for all of us.

I called my husband at work. explaining to him, what I was feeling. “Jorge, I’m crying non stop.” I feel scared. He, asked “why?” I talked to him, how he wasn’t home often, you’re always working. You don’t dedicate time to your children. I don’t have a life I don’t have friends. Basically, just bashing him with all my thoughts.

Later on that night, I had a vibration feeling on my chest. A feeling of unstableness. I told Jorge when he arrived home that night from work. Sobbing with tears and telling him I could not control it.

He drove me to a local clinic. I explained to the doctor what I was feeling. He said “you have too much stress” “you have anxiety.”

I had never heard of anxiety! Again I went home that night with a prescription. I took a pill at night and I felt normal again. The vibration on my chest was gone. The sadness was gone. 

The following weeks, I scheduled an appointment with my Obgyn. I thought maybe I was going through early menopause. Others suggested I probably had an over active thyroid. 

I had tests done and I was cleared. I also had a physical done. They checked for every thing. I had nothing, I was healthy.

I felt lost and confused. What is it then! 

There was a local clinic around my home. Exodus mental health hospital. My mother and husband accompanied me. I knew it I’m going crazy! I couldn’t believe I was in a waiting room for mental health. I thought everyone in there was going crazy just like me. It was my turn to see a psychiatrist. who told me I was depressed and had anxiety. I cried so much. Telling him how I felt. And that I could not control my emotions and feeling anxious, scared and worthless . 

Once, Again I was prescribed medication. I went home confused. Depression and anxiety? What is that? I had no clue. Yes, I’ve been sad before and nervous. But it passed by quickly. Depression and anxiety are different. 

I took the medication. It controlled my feelings. But the medication kept me awake all night. I could not sleep. All this while taking care of my two kids. I was a walking zombie. No emotions. The thing is in the beginning you take lots of medication trying to find which one works for you. Don’t give up. 

Eventually my husband hired a lady to help me out with my kids and the house work. All I did was sleep. I remember her playing with my kids and feeding them. While I drifted in my bed. I felt useless and cried how I could not respond to my children’s needs. The worse feeling. 

I started going out to distract myself. To relieve my symptoms. Thinking it was all due to stress from being home all the time and caring for two small children. Not having a social life. I was still on the medication from the free clinic. But I still felt the same. Alone, scared, worthless. Of course I feel that my lifestyle contributed to my illness from stress. Raising children is a whole 360 change.

Once, again I scheduled an appointment with my obgyn. A different one, a female. The first one I saw, was a man. I thought maybe since he’s a man he wouldn’t understand me. 

I was in denial for a long time. I could not be depressed. I’m happy with my life. 

During the appointment she said I was overweight. She said I was depressed and that I needed to see a psychiatrist. I went home crushed again. Refusing to be depressed and sad and anxious. It was something I couldn’t control. I thought I was loosing it. I was unaware of mental illness.

I made my research, to see a psychiatrist. I told myself I need more answers. I need to get to the bottom of this.

The appointment came and I took my husband. I wanted him to be present and listen to what the psychiatrist had to say. I wanted him to believe I was not making it up. Sadly we all were confused and ignorant about mental illness. The brain is an organ just like any other organ in our body. And it gets sick too. 

Dr. Debrito, you have major depression and anxiety. You need medication. You need to exercise. Neurotransmitters, also known as chemical messengers. Chemicals imbalances, have been found to have an association with mental health issues. Scientists have hypothesized that neurotransmitter imbalances within the brain can cause psychiatric conditions, and therefore, medications can be used to target these imbalances and help improve disease states.

That was the day. Finally I accepted I was sick. My brain had chemical imbalances. It was not my fault. I didn’t cause it. And I surely was not going crazy.

He prescribed me my medication. And said it would take about about three weeks for it to take effect. 

Those upcoming weeks were the worse. I began having suicidal thoughts. Which is a side effect of the antidepressants medication.

 I was hopeless and scared. I never had been in a situation where I could think of throwing my self from the second floor of a mall. For months I feared going to the shopping mall. My thoughts were consuming me. I was terrified of thoughts that I had no control over. Sudden thoughts that I was dying.

Finally, my suicidal thoughts started drifting away. I was more calm and had no sighns of sadness or anxiety. The medication took its course. It was helping me with my depression and anxiety.

After so much suffering, confusion and seeing doctors after doctors. I finally could say I was feeling like Vicki. Till this day I still take my medication. I have had some episodes of depressed occasions. And now I know what to do. My psychiatrist has helped me a lot. And I am, forever thankful to him.

I now accept the fact that I suffer from mental illness. And that I am not alone. 

According to studies about 350 million people worldwide suffer from depression. And is a leading cause of disability. 

I truly don’t wish this upon anyone. Mental illness is no joke. it definitely is the worse thing that has happened to me. I don’t complain because I am alive. And I fight every day to overcome this. I fight for my kids. They are the world to me and my strength. And for the mental illness that I suffer from has made me a stronger person.

Mental illness needs more awareness. I was ignorant from the beginning and in denial. Afraid of what people would say? Afraid of telling my family of my thoughts and them not believing me. Having people think I was making it up. 

All that is behind. I have accepted my illness. And I’m here to fight as long as I have to. I cried writing this because i went through so much all because I was in denial and not knowledgeable of mental illness. 

If you know someone, who suffers the same like me. Let them know that everything will be okay. We’re in this fight together. Support them and encourage them.

Thank you, for reading my painful truth. I know one of you will feel better after reading this. Spread mental illness awareness. Educate yourself. We are not alone. Seek help from professionals. Don’t let this possess you. You are worth it.

I am thankful for my husband and my mother. They have been there in my weakest and lonesome days. We truly have learned to live with it.

Disclosure: I am not a medical professional. I am only speaking about my personal experience. Please seek help if any symptoms occur. 

I am a strong woman

I am a strong woman for my children. They are the purpose of my perseverance. Although they are making me grow green hairs, and stress me out. Even if I get a knot in my throat that makes me want to yell so loud. I cry my eyes out. but I still stand tall.

I am a strong woman because, I have a husband away from home. Him working all day. Feels like I’m raising my children all alone. And I still manage to love him and respect him. Even if I feel lonely and sad. Even if I feel like taking off to another place with my kids. That he will never see us. I stand tall. 

I am a strong woman because, my mental illness does not define me. Depression and anxiety are just evil demeanors that want to destroy me. Yes, I take medication, I need it. It helps me. It does not take it away but it controls it. I can live a normal life. I fight every day. And when I feel like crap, I pray. Yes, I believe in god. I’m not religious. I believe in prayer. He listens.

I am a strong woman because I live in a world full of hate, crime, racism, bullying. a world that has billions of people that can kill with no remorse. A place where I fear my children growing up. I wish to shield them from all troubles. But as long as I can I will be a vicious mother protecting her children.

I am a strong woman because I don’t complain about my life. I expose what my life is. So that others like me can see. That there are others in the same movement. Stand tall with me. We are strong woman.

Laundry 

The day I dread out of the week is today. Time to wash clothes at the laundry. My laundry accompanies me with clothes of a family of five. Plus a party of 4 at the laundromat. 

 Yes, my kids go everywhere with me. I am there only caregiver. My family is very small and the one that I do have is like not having any. My husbands side,  live in Mexico. 

My oldest kids, chore is to fill the laundry bag with there clothes and that takes them about 20 minutes “hold the bag,” “no you hold it” by the time it’s time to head out I have already lost half of my energy to even say anything or yell at them. 

I want my kids to learn to be independent for their future. So that they can be self efficient. My mother always had me do chores and I’m thankful for that. Yeah I complained during that time but it definitely paid out.

Once the car is loaded, with the laundry clothes we head out. We really want to invest in a dryer and washer for the house but little by little. We just purchased our home in Los Angeles, California. We have two years as homeowners. And what can I say it’s expensive. On top of that come bills, food, car payment etc… you know the whole Finance. 

I don’t mind heading out to the local laundromat. Kids get to play with other children that come along with their moms too. 

Once, I land at destination. I place Noah, in his stroller and grab the laundry carts and load the clothes. Marley and Justin help me push the carts inside the laundromat. While my older kids sit and play at the little tables I load clothes into the washers. While I steer my son in the stroller. 

It’s summer time here and vending machines are in the laundromat. Of course overpriced junk food and drinks. I just bought a portable cooler and carry water, yogurt, fruit and some veggie chips. To keep the kids handy if they have the urge to ask for a snack at the vending machine. Saves money and more options for them. Always freeze water bottles and place them in there or leave some in the car. So when your ready to drink the heat has already melted them.

Once the washers stop. I start loading them in the dryers while steering my son on the stroller back and forth. He’s quite the unstable, hyper, loud crying fella. So have to lend him my phone at times. Yeah, I rely on technology. I know many parents are anti technology. And I totally respect that. To each their own. 

This generation is different than when I had do go do laundry with my mom. She had me folding clothes and sorting socks. But my son is 2 years old and impatient. A little “Harry the Bunny” helps.

I bust open the dryers. Luckily me they all stop at the same time. But I work one by one. I start folding sorting shirts, shorts, underwear and then lastly socks. Do you guys always have missing pairs? I do all the time. My kids always have mismatched socks. It’s annoying, there under there beds or tucked away somewhere in the house.

By the fourth load. I’m exhausted sweating profusely. Kids are bored they want to go home. Once I finish everything is put away loaded in carts, and back to load the car.

After that I need a nap! The best part about laundry day is the struggle of doing it and being able to have that peace of mind that no baskets at home are overflowing. 

Putting away the clothes is another tedious arrangement. Sometimes I leave the clothes inside the bags. I just pull out what to wear during the days. Luckily my husband understands and does the same. I love how understanding he is. He knows how hard it is with my three kids. 

I know better days are coming. And I will look back at these moments. And miss them. In the meantime, I’ll just write about it. So one day Marley, Justin and Noah can read my blogs. I love my kids. Cherish every moment mom and dad’s. 

How I woke up

Today is Saturday July 22, 2017 and I woke up exhausted. Do you ever wake up and feel like doing nothing. Yeah, well that’s me more often now days. One because my kids are night owls and like to be awake late hours. Funny because they really never napped during the baby stage. My whole life I’ve been a good sleeper. I love to sleep and lay on a nice fluffy bed with lots of pillows. And a nice cool fan… It sounds strange but I even have a fan on during winter time. I think it’s a fat people thing. Lol… yes I am overweight and have struggled with my weight my whole life but my self esteem is very high. And I am not a shame. I’m a work in progress. I’ll write more about that on another post. Back to the fan! I jokingly said that because strangely I’ve only met fat people who use a fan during sleep. Please don’t find it offensive. I am very open minded and speak 100% truth.

Sometimes I feel like as a mom I am forced to be 100% perfect and ready to take on the day. But honestly there will be days where you don’t want to even shower or make breakfast. Or even brush my hair. And my kids totally accept me at all my flaws and my frozen waffle breakfast or just some cereal and milk. They never question me. Kids are so vulnerable and all they want is to be loved. So sit back and watch a movie lay in bed all day make popcorn and enjoy every minute. Life is to short to worry about goes inside your home.

People will always talk and judge. As long as the kids are healthy and happy that’s all that matters. Let’s be selfish with our time if the body doesn’t want it don’t force it. Listen to your body mind and soul. Happy Saturday to all. And rest on…    

#momlife #teamsleep 

Who am I ?

 Hi, everyone my name is Vicki Moreno. I am married and mother of three beautiful kids. I am a stay at home mom. My daughter Marley is 8 years old (she’s the drama queen) my son Justin is 7 years old (he’s my chatter box) and lastly my youngest son Noah, who is 2 years old. (Terrible two’s master) I have the most hardworking husband he works two jobs as a line cook. Six days a week and is off only one day out of the week. I am very blessed to be able to stay home and care for our family.

It’s tuff what can I say parenthood is the scariest hood ever. No one prepares you for the journey of raising little people. My life is surrounded 24/7 around yelling, fighting, diaper change, loosing my keys, (there always in my back pocket 😩) tantrums x 100,000,000 food stains on my shirts sweating profusely. My cat eyeliner melted and smeared under my eyes. Constantly blotting my sweat with my shirt. Gross but it’s the quickest solution. Being stared by strangers at Target for my yells calling my kids names. At least I have my mother as my side kick. Her name is Lidia she works a full time job and helps me so much after her job comes home to help with her grandkids. Props to my mom she was a single mother raising me. I admire her so much.

I wouldn’t change anything in the world for all mentioned before, but sometimes I feel lonely, sad, worthless, scared. Yeah I also suffer from anxiety and depression. I take meds. And this is why I started this blog. To tell you that it’s going to be okay. I want this blog to flourish and touch one of you with my posts. I am a mom and have so many interest and want to share with you. 

I also freelance I am a Makeup artist. Not published but someone passionate about the art. I love, love doing my makeup and feeling beautiful. In order to be okay you need to love yourself first and take care of yourself to be able to care for others. Something I had to learn. Cooking is also my passion. I love shopping the clearance at Target. Lol… 

I am really looking forward to connect with you. And share my shenanigans on here. Blogging is something I been really wanting to do. I love to write. Although I might miss punctuations and not write properly. I am finally here. My outlet to my routine to be able to write about my ideas experiences and everything that flourishes through my brain. Thank you, from the bottom of my ❤️ and stick around.

Here are my favorite creations.

This is all my family. Hubby, kids Mom and me.


Hola, Vicki Moreno